There are no goodbyes, only see you later…

I recently just noticed that the month of march is where all the magic and the awakening happens. In other words, its a culmination month and I know this only because of Timehop and Facebook memories. My moments of trying leaps and decision-making is at work during this time of the year. It seems as though the upcoming season of spring is a testament of birthing new things and of blooming hope. Although I have to tell you, (brace yourself for this) my favorite season is winter. There is definitely something about spring that marks the end of an era and at the same time, a springing of a fresh start. 

At the beginning of this year, I devoted myself to physical wellness, which is why I diligently went to the gym all weekday. When I started to hit the treadmill, the first day was rough. I admitted to be in a bad shape as I slacked activity in the last few months of 2016. That is when you know that the struggle is real. But then I persisted everyday and I ran the machine like my life depended on it. February, I decided to up my level. But my challenge was to continue my routine and also save money so I decided to quit the boxed-gym and try running the Nivelhills route (my neighbourhood) back and forth. If you know where I live you will understand my predicament because not only is it an uphill climb back, there is little sidewalk where I feel I can run safely. I did it anyway and so here we are up to this moment and I casually brush off the pain and replace it with joy everytime I’m running. Honestly, it brought back a lot of my stamina and core values because way back in Dubai, I’d be out running on the empty pavements of International City even during summer nights and especially if my mind is a nuclear chaos. Running really did help me channel and displace my sorrow into a good place. I do it for the sole reason of becoming stronger. 

Come March where all my emotions were hurled up in an eclectic swirl of madness. Madness because it is an overload of first and final preparations for a new destination for me as a sojourner. This is when I got my approved application for Japan and the next thing I knew I had to pack my whole life into a 37-kilogram suitcase because the light where the sky meets the sea has called me already. Just like it did with Moana. I waited six months for this and now that I am nearing the firepit, I.Am.Restless. To the core. This event is a deep culmination of what I vaguely sketched out as my lifeplan 4 years ago. You see, my timeline did not go as a straight line. And I couldn’t be happier with the odds and cliff hangers along the way. It is fantastic how I transitioned in my writing and creatives career. Maybe what you won’t see is the depression that came along with it. But really what is life without it?

We now live in the future of our forefathers and life today is not a brick and mortar case. Over the span of disruptions and grind, my life was blended in such a way that I feel guilty for still wanting so much more. I feel I’m blessed enough on one hand and on the other hand, I am deeply convinced that I’m not there in the forward-thinking environment I would like to settle in. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and be comforted by the unknown. That is the high worth searching for. That I guess is my reason for leaving. 

” I’m fed up. I want a better life. I want a better self.  On darker days, I wish to have the courage to pack my things away and get out anyway I can. But at the back of my mind someone is telling me “you’re so selfish”. 

But, but there’s a part of me that I miss and that’s a chunk. When I go in retrospect, I don’t recognize that “me” anymore. I am already changed. Inevitably there it goes. But with this change of season and location, I’m more than hopeful that it will turn things around. 

Photoshoot with Barbie & AJ