Something strange is happening to me lately. Something is happening inside. You might not want to believe it but here it goes – I want people in my life. Now that I’ve actually written it, it just seems normal. It’s not out of the ordinary. In fact, it’s a given. But…. not for me. To actually come to a place where I literally need people, to start wanting them (emphasis on this) it took me so long to get here.
Funny, there was a time where I visualize myself outside of my body. I stared down at myself and thought that I was dead inside.
It’s no secret that I completely shut down after I broke up with the only relationship I had. After that, I just did not know how to love, how to be with a person, you know. Then it was followed by a series of really finding my core, building my identity, finding myself and all that drama! I clearly remember telling someone that I need to create myself first and once I’m whole I’ll come to him. Now I’m a grown up. I can make decisions. I’m healed. I trust my instincts. I’m actually confident about my truths. I’m finally ready. [Back story: I came around and tried to find that someone but he no longer sticked around to accept me with open arms but nah, it’s okay.)
Maybe getting laid off has brought me to this point. The ample time has allowed me to assess or maybe the clock finally ticked. I didn’t exactly know what it means when they said “open your heart”, but now I think I do. Because nobody has to force me to appreciate a person anymore. To ‘actually’ take a look at a guy and wonder if he’s cute or not. It may sound petty but I do want to meet someone already. Want being the highlight of that sentence. Fear – no longer the operative term gnawing at my guts. Failure – no longer the lame excuse.
This to me is a victory. A conquering moment that I am alive. A testament to the unending grace working within. Nothing is final. I am here and that I am able to feel.