So much for the resolution thingy. I don’t want to be bothered by that because change doesn’t happen overnight and all at once. Some may take years before you are truly empowered and changed. It may be an understatement to think that I hauled myself to working and buried myself there. I was married to my job that I forgot to really have a life outside of it. Besides, how exciting is it to come into an empty home, really? The startup life is no joke, especially if you have zero cents of what it is you are doing and how to gauge if you’re succeeding. The time flew by so fast I cannot remember anything noteworthy at this point, only that I was brave with my life by putting up with the uneasiness and the nonstop questioning of my doubts.
I traced back my fb status post on february 3rd “This wonderful feeling of finally liking a boy after 6 years and the depressing feeling of knowing that he’s engaged. Such is life ei??” I can recall for all the life in me that whenever this guy, who’s our office neighbor passes by the hallway- I get giddy. I did try to open up my heart and entertained the possibility of dating. Not because of valentine blues or hangups but because I wanted to feel something. I have a type: almond eyes. porcelain-white skin. slender, those stuffs. But again, my bewilderment has taken me to the pangs of brokenland. Why can’t relationships happen to me? I mean, it happens as a piece of cake for most people I see, then how come it’s so impossible for me? The way I see it, people put on makeup, go out and bam! they end up with a date. Meanwhile it takes me a million awkward smiles and a dark red lipstick to shun people away. But then I remember one of Beau Taplin’s bold statement that reminded me why I’m still single:
“I tend to be most interested in the kinds of people who do not sweeten or dilute themselves for the sake of people tastes. Who never soften the blow of who they are. Like my coffee, I prefer the people I connect with to be full-strength and searing hot. And able to rouse my weary, idle heart.”
So after reading this, I calmed the freakin’ down. So what if I didn’t have a date, or a boy to call my own? I am my own. I’ll live.
“Either I’m funny or the world’s funny. I don’t know which. The bottle and lid don’t fit. It could be the bottle’s fault or the lid’s fault. In either case, there’s no denying that the fit is bad.”
― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84
All applies to the feeling of uneasiness and the bad fitting of my life at this point. I knew I wanted change. I knew that the insane calling to be where I’m not will not go away unheeded. Knowing very well from the start that it won’t always be a high-sail kind of life, I anticipated a swerve from this point. Where is the agitation? Where is this blessed unrest coming from? Frustration is all the process there is. Everywhere I look, an unprecedented disappointment was waiting to greet me. I was indeed having a hard time planning my actions but the summer getaways and the beach trolling with the team made it easier for me.
Alas, the cycle begins again. I don’t know which is worse: feeling uncertainties all over again or of not learning that, that is the circle of life. When will it be enough? When will I learn? Why does my sadness dictate how I live my life? When you read this, you’d think I’m pathetic but does everyone know how to motivate oneself to be confident all the time? I have been in this road before. I felt defeated at first but I deceived myself thinking that I will never fail again. That I was all set. That thought was the problem!
By feeding my mind with the right mindset, people, food, thoughts, on acting up on matters instead of looking away. This is my own timeline. Everything else is just noise. I’m doing my best. I honor my grief. I acknowledge my pain.
The time has come for me to admit it. I never was the girl who takes love loosely. You know, like a regular person would. Whilst I’m intrigued about the passing of young love and the shrill of youth pursuing and experiencing love on so many levels, with different subjects. Maybe I just have to accept that I will never be one of them. Singularly, I’m not at a stage where I should take it slowly. I don’t have the spare time to test the waters. I am not that girl. I’m serious. It would be ridiculous to swing it, I’m just not the girl who dates casually and pretend. I’m more of an all or nothing. I tried but it did not sit well. So I’m letting go of the idea. I don’t want it running around my head like a hay-wired criminal. So what if it’s not happening? I will try to live with it.
recalling a tough time
That week, while I was changing for work I suddenly collapsed and got immobilized. I felt helpless and scared. Scared of paralysis but mostly of being absent from work (can you imagine that?) The first thing that came to mind was: Shoot. No, I can’t be absent. So even with the excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced in life, I mustered with all the strength I had to get to my feet and still do the things I planned on doing. Of course with the help of some people and medication. I did not let it stop me from interfering with my craft. I won’t be paralyzed emotionally just because. My will power to live and accomplish is far stronger than the pain I feel in my body. I won’t have it any other way. I’m a fighter. I’ve always been.
Who am I to set what is and what isn’t for me. God knows better than I. If by any chance some cosmic connection is happening in between, I ask forgiveness for bringing him down with me. There may or may not be a sensible reason that would explain why we’re both feeling down and depressed at the same time. Unfortunately, I can’t tell him that while his digressing somewhere in his corner, I am curled up, ready for death, wailing over the fact that we can’t be together. Crying in my bed wishing you would pave the way for us to be together. I’d like to pretend I’m oblivious about the truth behind it all. Sadly it is what it is. More parts of me is perplexed why were both feeling the same thing but the truth remains. He doesn’t need to know. I can’t tell him and for that I mourn. God, find me when there’s nothing left of me to offer you except my brokenness.
It is no surprise that life is never certain. You can be the most prepared and most qualified but when push comes to shove, when pressed with reality, when actual life happens, in the most obscene, raw, humiliating, uneventful way – we will by default respond in the nearest humanistic way- selfish, defensive, practical, frantic. That is what humans do. They go at things blindly, to what they think that will make their lives matter. If only to be acknowledged. To be seen. To be proven worthy and deserving of their labels, their position, their title. They go over their accomplishments and strive to cross the finish line because they were taught that all of this is a race to the finish line. To get the medal. That gold star. The question remains. Will I overcome it all?
What am i doing? am i doing the right thing? will i regret this? will i fail? There are about a thousand questions running in my head right now. One thing is for certain- I am scared. but what exactly am i afraid of? if so, should i just stay in the zone? i wouldn’t even exactly call the present zone a comfort zone because I do not feel the security that precedes its definition. The present situation totalled to a horrendous turnout of events. I reckoned, it was a signal that confirmed my decision to move somewhere else. To forego my plans of setting sails. In lieu with this I am teaching myself to prepare for the worst. I am anticipating that the journey ahead will be the most risky and would require maximum strength to survive. How am i to secure my life forward? My thoughts are waging war….
I have been living alone for quite sometime now but after being exiled to working at home, the more i became depressed. I did not know how to handle being alone- at least about work. Working remotely has many advantages they said and so I assumed it will work out for me since I’m an introvert. But I surprised myself by realizing that I [wanted] the company and presence of other people. I’m also at loss about this and it had me thinking more. That loneliness doesn’t go away, you just learn to deal with it. It has also been depressing with the situation of our startup company not panning out as we thought it would. Letting go of the team that you built and parting ways is heartbreaking on so many levels. When failure came knocking on the door, I couldn’t say I was unprepared because it kept staring at me in the eye for the past few months already. I knew it was coming but it never dawned on me how tremendous the impact would be.
Birthmonth. Well I guess if you realize soon enough that its just another year reminding you of getting older, then that becomes something dreadful that you neither look forward to. But congratulations are obligatory. Why? Because I’m officially out of the calendar for good. At least my age is. Then suddenly the changes and the struggles are getting real! You know, you feel your body starts acting out because you’re aging! And that’s just the force of nature. However, something surprised me in between. I said yes to an impromptu adventure which led me to meet new people that became friends. We had one heck of an adventure that consists of climbing mountains, seeing local wonders, longer roadtrips, exhilarating cave treks and most importantly reunion with a longtime friend. Some roads are worth the walk and some are timely for closures. I am grateful for he reminded me of the reasons why I left things behind and provided me with motivations for the things that I look forward to.
The last chance to live big. Cramming a bunch of plethora of things just to get caught. It was almost late before I realized that I’d like the christmas holiday to mean something especially for my family. I would like my nephews and niece to be reminded that whenever the holidays come they will look forward to the presents I give them because what else will be my role in their life other than the “spoiler tita” they like to count on and be around with. They are inevitably growing up and I’d like to leave a mark.It’s not every year that we get to spend it with my brother as well. Albeit capped off with me dragged to being sick in the last day of the year, I just totally slept through the NYE with all its glorious noise and banging. My body did not and could not cope so I had to let it go. No dinner or party took place that day but I knew better that when everyone else thinks that a magical kaleidoscope happens on the new year, they’re just in for the high.
What I held on to was the conviction of my plans and goals that have already been plotted all throughout. Last year unfolded with my goals set into motion. So my comeback after being sick will be fiercer.
My name is Charen. I’m 32 years old. I always had this fear of living small. By that I mean succumbing to mediocrity and not giving the best version of myself. Which then led me to a greater fear of missing out on life. So I try living intentionally with no pretense that led me to my greatest fear- the fear of not being enough. I’m scared no one will tolerate the quirks of my soul because dogma has it that complicated people are difficult to love. But if you ask what keeps me going I’d tell you it’s because I know I’m not that important. I accepted the truth that it’s not about me. It’s this feeling that I HAVE TO that disables me with pressure. You know what’s important? It’s knowing who goes before me and He is faithful. That’s why I don’t have to be anything. I am me and that’s enough.