Singing my heart out in Singapore.

charen in sentosa

How i mused in the Concrete Jungle that is Singapore

“A City in a Garden” – and indeed it is a magnificent nature amidst the metropolis. Aside from being held for a while in the immigration, overall impact was awesome! I just couldn’t get over the fact that it is so clean and green, (coming from the desert myself, i cant help but admire the nature galore in this country.) when it rains, it really does pour! i shall establish the fact that rain is something i look forward to every.time. Exactly what is missing in my life if i must say. strolling around the streets, crossing bridges, getting soaked, meeting new generous people, authentic chinese food people!, gaaaah, as the usual, vacay mode is cut short when you’re having too much fun ei? well, half of the equation is about the people your with; takes me back to the origins. I have new memoirs to treasure for family is ♥. no matter what.

I love the trains and the fact that people are disciplined. 1471138_10151759191345025_1857295607_n

Memory: being held captive in the Singaporean immigration just because I’m Filipino and I don’t have a specific address

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I am staring blankly pondering, wondering what could be eating me away worth my entire attention. and then I get nothing! Just a plagiarism of all things reborn, recycled and reused. This is the longest time in my life where I suddenly stopped. In the middle of uncertainties and the hurly-burly of life, i just… stopped. Destinations are overrated. Life-purposes are magnified bit of a glitch and personally, I am just tired of figuring things out which nothing really ever turns out exactly as you envisioned them. One can only hope in

this part where my life is very sketchy.

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I know for a fact that my mother secretly wished I had been more like a normal kid who belonged to a normal group of teenage kids, maybe a little bit rebellious, flirted a little, let down  defenses once in a while, gave her disappointments from time to time but instead, she got this moody, uninhibited girl for a daughter who would aspire for anything except the mainstream and corporate. But I also know for a fact that she wouldn’t have it any other way, or at least that’s what i would think towards my daughter. Whereas some would say that maybe what I am currently experiencing is called “ Identity Crisis for Middle -Aged Women” ( though I am just about to enter the dooming stage of my 30’s) But however I am reminded by this thought: Age is just a number. Ages are not milestones. Milestones are milestones. You are what you have experienced and not how long you’ve been around. So, Yes! I am baffled by the thought of aging and facing it alone but I’d rather use the terms experienced and independent. Besides, it’s all about perception, darling. It could stem down from the root reason of comparing myself to other people’s success, family and relatives composition of a normal life and how a life should be lived, society’s complex view, so on and so forth…. Whilst, I keep my calm to all reasons pertaining to my well-being and nurse my welfare with what is being handed down to me as my plot, I find my sentiments bewildering as it always has been. Comparison is the greatest thief of joy. So instead of beating myself down for the entire reason of failing at mostly everything or at least at areas I strived to achieve, I will try otherwise. I am the kind of person who always has a plan in the pocket. Who calculated everything precisely in order, (enumerated and listed) with a given, specific time and span to accomplish them, However, when life happens, ironically, I get the opposite. I ended up frustrated and equally lost as I first began. But you gotta eat what’s on your plate, ain’t that the logic?! 

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In the span of 5 years living in  Dubai, and working a mundane job.Its about time  I need to go find me a “ happy place”. Rising up from the ashes of my failures and stalling a great amount of time is enough. Though I feel I have squandered away my life, but it’s part of the risk i took when i decided over things. When my life isn’t what I expect it, Most nights I would stare at the ceiling, blankly agonizing how life could be this senseless thinking “ How did I become this empty shell on a crossroad?” A whole year had passed and it was basically all that trying and pushing and hanging and running. But let me make this clear, I did not regret all those acts no matter if they were all put in vain. That was a year of trying and failing. As much as it makes me sad like any other defeated person, the word stands : Run to finish the race. The road is hard but I will go out there and see what happens. i’ll put my plans aside and start living. Because hey! I am in the moment and you do what you can do and that is all.  We make our own plans, but in the end, its the Lord’s way that will prevail. [ Proverbs 16:9]. Live in the moment! Live in the moment, Charen! Wherever you may be if you cannot decide that you are enough, you can go to the ends of the earth and still find unhappiness.  This is what I learned, no matter what I am going through; I can live with the strength of my adequacy or I can torture myself finding what could be missing. “ Things always has a way of settling down no matter how wrecked they are.” If I fear to take a step backward, assuming that I would loose that “edge” that makes me special from the rest then I have gained nothing from that spirit of isolation. Living in fear and compromise is the darkest oblivion I can imagine. I am done living in my comfort zone. Nothing great ever happened there. 

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charen in sentosa
charen in sentosa

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“ If you are in the fettered stage, don’t despair, SING. Freedom is on the way. It is only a matter of time. Even if it comes through death.” – JOHN PIPER ( January 25: Devotional)

[ Photos taken during my visit to Singapore last November 2013] Location: Chinese/ Japanese Garden, Sentosa Park, Marina Bay

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